DAY 11

I have decided that I need to relax. I have been trying to do everything at once for the longest time. The holiday season is fast approaching and this is the time of year where anxiety and stress levels usually max out. This year, however, I am going to do my best to relax and enjoy the season. Watching my son take a nap on the floor after playing, not a care in the world (other than getting food in his mouth as fast as he can), I think I am starting to realize that relaxation is very important and just taking a step back to enjoy what I have and the people I love, is what life is about.

The death of my daughter is with me every day. I think about what she missed not being here, I think about what I am missing, her not being here. My heart aches for her and I still catch myself saying "I don't know what I'd do without her" but here I am, Lila-less. My little baby girl.

My heart hangs on every rise and fall of my son's chest. I watch him sleep. Every time he shuts his eyes, my anxiety level shoots through the roof.

My daughter loved to roll, she rolled in her sleep, they say that's how she died from SIDS. It was because she was face down. Yesterday my son rolled onto his stomach for the first time. I was proud and terrified at the same time. I was so happy that he had gotten stronger and learned something and I was just gleaming with pride in my little boy. But what if he does that in his sleep? While he's napping? If no one is watching? Even for a minute. All it took was a few minutes for my daughter to pass away. All it takes is a second of not watching his chest rising and falling.

Every day I live in a state of panic. I am starting to feel more grateful for what I have. I need to realize that every day could be the last with anyone I love, and I need to spend my time more wisely. I need to cherish moments when I can. I need to do more living in the moment.

DAY 10

Lately for some reason all I can do is clean. I clean everything, all the time. In a week I have effectively cleaned almost every room in the house. I want to change all the furniture and make the house look like an adult lives in it, not a bunch of college students (plus one high school student, and a baby). My husband is actually going along with it. I think he knows I've been really upset lately and for some reason cleaning has been making me feel better. We picked out a new couch yesterday and he has promised to get rid of the old ones (we have three...he collects them). We are also getting a new entertainment center, coffee table and bookshelf. My parents are so happy because they cab finally clean out their house because we are cleaning out ours and they are giving us my great great grandma's dining room table with six chairs and a matching hutch as well as some shelving units, an antique sewing machine, a bed, and a trunk. I am so excited I just had to share. :)

Today has been a good day.