DAY 11

I have decided that I need to relax. I have been trying to do everything at once for the longest time. The holiday season is fast approaching and this is the time of year where anxiety and stress levels usually max out. This year, however, I am going to do my best to relax and enjoy the season. Watching my son take a nap on the floor after playing, not a care in the world (other than getting food in his mouth as fast as he can), I think I am starting to realize that relaxation is very important and just taking a step back to enjoy what I have and the people I love, is what life is about.

The death of my daughter is with me every day. I think about what she missed not being here, I think about what I am missing, her not being here. My heart aches for her and I still catch myself saying "I don't know what I'd do without her" but here I am, Lila-less. My little baby girl.

My heart hangs on every rise and fall of my son's chest. I watch him sleep. Every time he shuts his eyes, my anxiety level shoots through the roof.

My daughter loved to roll, she rolled in her sleep, they say that's how she died from SIDS. It was because she was face down. Yesterday my son rolled onto his stomach for the first time. I was proud and terrified at the same time. I was so happy that he had gotten stronger and learned something and I was just gleaming with pride in my little boy. But what if he does that in his sleep? While he's napping? If no one is watching? Even for a minute. All it took was a few minutes for my daughter to pass away. All it takes is a second of not watching his chest rising and falling.

Every day I live in a state of panic. I am starting to feel more grateful for what I have. I need to realize that every day could be the last with anyone I love, and I need to spend my time more wisely. I need to cherish moments when I can. I need to do more living in the moment.

DAY 10

Lately for some reason all I can do is clean. I clean everything, all the time. In a week I have effectively cleaned almost every room in the house. I want to change all the furniture and make the house look like an adult lives in it, not a bunch of college students (plus one high school student, and a baby). My husband is actually going along with it. I think he knows I've been really upset lately and for some reason cleaning has been making me feel better. We picked out a new couch yesterday and he has promised to get rid of the old ones (we have three...he collects them). We are also getting a new entertainment center, coffee table and bookshelf. My parents are so happy because they cab finally clean out their house because we are cleaning out ours and they are giving us my great great grandma's dining room table with six chairs and a matching hutch as well as some shelving units, an antique sewing machine, a bed, and a trunk. I am so excited I just had to share. :)

Today has been a good day.

DAY 9

I'm sorry it's been awhile since I've written. I have been busy and depressed, which usually doesn't happen to me. Usually if I keep myself busy, I feel better, not worse. I'm so excited for Christmas. I already got my holiday shopping done (except for stocking stuffers). I know my family doesn't read this so I can say what I got them :) All year my husband has been whining that he wants a PS3 even though we already have like four XBOX360's....but anyway, I've been dying to tell someone what I got him and so I will tell you! I got him his precious PS3 on sale, black friday, for $200 in a bundle with 2 games. I'm pumped. I know that he is going to be so happy, even if he doesn't show it. He's not very good at showing emotions.

I worked on black friday from midnight to eight in the morning. It was awesome. I fell asleep standing up (at bath and body works). I was doing awesome on the floor and loving sales, and then I got put in the stock room, which I didn't love so much, but it was ok. Anyway, I loved working black friday and then when I went to go home (my dad was picking me up so I didn't have to drive) my dad was like "I'm not taking you home until I sit and drink coffee at barnes and nobles for an hour". Fun stuff....

So on top of everything I still have school and James is teething so he's crabby and tired and in pain all the time and I feel awful because there's nothing I can do to help him. I'm thinking of taking the semester off in the spring. I've just been so depressed and upset and moody and I just need to concentrate on my school work and I can't do that when I have to motivate myself to get out of bed in the morning. On top of that, school starts in february and that's the one year of our daughter's death. I know I'm not going to be in any shape to concentrate on school. My mom is convinced that I am God's gift to this earth and I can do everything at once but I really can't. She was upset when I told her that I wanted to at least cut back on my classes next semester because this is just getting too hard for me to do with work and school and baby and I just miss my daughter all the time and I feel like she doesn't understand. I know she doesn't know what it's like to lose a child, and I'm glad that she doesn't because no one should have to know what that feels like, but she needs to let me do what's best for me and what I feel is best for me at this time is taking a semester off. I love going to school and I love my classes and I know I'm going to go back and take more classes in the summer but for now, I just need a break.

I could not get through any of this without my husband. I love him so much and I honestly don't know if I could have gotten through any of this without him. I know that everyone thinks he's a dick, and sometimes he is, ...a lot of times he is, but he is also the most wonderful person I can always talk to. He's my best friend, my shoulder to lean on, and my most of all my support beam. He's always there for me and I just wanted to say that. He can still be a dick sometimes though... :)

Just so you all know, we are starting to plan our walk to end SIDS which will be held in the Miller Hill Mall in Duluth MN on April 14, 2012. It's our second walk and we are hoping for a really great turn out. Please visit our website for The Northland SIDS Foundation to find out more about our organization and what we are doing to help end SIDS!

DAY 8

Today started out good. It ended with me being really sick...on the up side, I got extra love from my husband. I got a new jacket today. I have been wanting a snowmobile jacket since I was in high school and my wish was finally granted! ...By my mom...but that's not the point. The point is, I got the jacket I wanted. I also felt like a teenager because after I got my new jacket that my mommy bought me, I drank milk out of the jug...while I was driving. I also learned that in the state of Minnesota, it is perfectly legal for me to drink alcoholic beverages at my parent or guardian's house as long as it's okay with my parent or guardian. I used this fact and twisted it into, "I can drink in my own home, because I know it's okay with my husband who is of legal drinking age". I'm not sure why this made me happy, because I don't drink anyway, but it was a handy fact to know I suppose.

On the sad note, today people were asking me if James (our son) was our first child. I hate answering that question. My best friend and I went to a dinner for OES to eat some delicious meatballs. Everyone was like "awww, baby!" which I have now learned to hate. I hate when people fawn over my baby. It really irritates me. First of all, it makes me think of how people used to fawn over Lila and how perfect she was. Second, it usually leads to a question about how I'm doing (with the death of my daughter), if he's our first, how old I am, and various other annoying questions that I really feel other people don't need to know about me. Third, it's just obnoxious. I feel violated when you smell my baby, just to let you know.

Lately, to help me feel better, I've been reading Texts From Last Night and FML. In case you were wondering, they are hilarious! Although they really don't make it hurt any less, they make me laugh, which is apparently very good for your health.

James update:
He can now jump so high in his bouncer that it lifts off the ground. Scary, but slightly entertaining. I guess that's why they say to only use with supervision.
He smiles AND giggles
He is now officially bigger at almost 3 months old than his sister was at 5 months old. I'm not sure whether to be proud of that or worried.

DAY 7

Today I feel better. I got a new job and my husband has the day off. We can finally spend some much needed time together. I'm still a little stressed out about my homework but I know that I will get it done. In the mean time, I am going to spend some quality time with my little boy and my husband.

I want to cherish the times when I feel okay, because I know the there will be many more times when I am not okay.

When I went in for my interview this morning, the gal that was hiring me asked about The Northland SIDS Foundation and if I had anyone I knew who had lost a baby from SIDS. I am usually okay with people asking me about SIDS and my daughter, but for some reason I started tearing up. She felt really bad about asking me and I felt really stupid because I was pretty much crying in my interview. She said that she knew some other people who had children who died from SIDS as well. I feel much better when other people understand that it's hard. It's always hard. It's forever hard. There is just nothing comparable to losing a child. Every day is different. Somedays I feel like my heart has just been ripped out of my chest, if I had only not brought her to daycare that day, if I had only picked her up early, if I had only...and some days I feel okay.

DAY 6

I quit my job. My manager was being dishonest with me as well as other employees and I just couldn't take it anymore. Actually two of us quit at the same time. It was kind of epic. I am thinking of just doing what I've always kind of wanted to do and just run my own photography studio. I'm going to school for art and the major I'm going for is something I would definitely have to move to have a career in and I'm just not sure that's the route I want to go or not. I do enjoy photography and I think I have a knack for it. My portfolio is online (click "my portfolio" to take a look). I also make pretty awesome photo holiday cards, wedding invitations, birth announcements and so on. I'm cheap! lol.

I had a dream about my daughter last night. I miss her so much. I keep having dreams that she's with us and we are all a happy family, Her, James, Kevin, Me and Cory. I wake up and I just don't even want to open my eyes. I know my husband, Cory, has been worried about me lately. He holds me tighter at night and wakes me up with kisses and reminds me to eat before he leaves for work. I feel bad that I feel depressed all the time. I don't want to put more stress on him. I know he's hurting too.

DAY 5

Lately I feel horrible. I feel like I fail at everything I do. The worst part is that I feel like I haven't even hit rock bottom.