DAY 4

Today I felt like a complete airhead. I forgot what my manager told me to do. I was out in the field when I was supposed to be in the office pulling resumes to hire someone for our open position. Go me. I had to leave early as it was because we didn't have anyone to watch James and I got half of what I should have gotten done. It was a very unproductive day.

It makes it better when I get to come home to my little guy though. I miss him all the time. My husband told me that he wants to be a stay at home dad because he just wants to be with James all the time. I wish I could be a stay at home mom. I'm glad we argue over who wants to spend time with and not over who has to spend time with him. I don't know what I would do without my husband. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with everything. I know I take on too much, but I feel like I have to because otherwise I will just wallow in my own sadness over the loss of our daughter.

My list of things I do on a daily basis is this:
Full time job
Full time school
Full time mom
Founder and Event coordinator for The Northland SIDS Foundation

That's just my day to day stuff...not even including my various chaperoning, volunteering and hobbies I participate in.

Short list, lots of duties.

Anyway, back to the overwhelming feelings.
My husband has been with me through many of my hard times as well as many of my happy times. We've been through EVERYTHING together and at the end of the day we can still talk, have a conversation, make each other laugh, kiss, snuggle, and most importantly, be there. I just want to take this opportunity to say that not a lot of people have what we have and I am so glad that we found each other, as corny as that may sound. He is my support beam and I love him.

Okay, so I still haven't gotten to telling you about my overwhelming feelings...I'm so long winded and I apologize. I was telling my husband that I felt very overwhelmed and that I feel like I'm sucking at everything I do. Which I still feel like I am. He told me "You do not suck at everything and it's hard to do everything at once. I know that you are trying your best and I'm sure others know that too."

It made me feel so much better about myself.

Whenever I feel horrible I can always count on him to cheer me up. I think that it's important for everyone to have someone like that. :)

I think I will end my post tonight with my favorite poem. I think of this poem everyday in memory of my daughter. It also helps me feel better when I'm upset. <3
(If you don't have tissue on hand, don't read it)

A Child of Mine

I'll lend you for a little while a child of mine

God sent for you to love the while she lives and mourn for when she's gone

it may be six or seven years or forty-two or three but will you, till I call her back take care of her for me?

She'll bring her charms to gladden you and - should her stay be brief, you'll have her lovely memories as a solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay for all from earth return

but there are lessons taught below I want this child to learn.

I've looked the whole world over in my search for teachers true and from all beings that crowd life's land I have chosen you.

Now, will you give her all your love nor think the labor vain nor hate me when I come to take this lent child back again?

I fancied that I heard you say "Dear Lord, Thy will be done. For all the joys Thy child will bring the risk of grief we'll run.

We will shelter her with tenderness we'll love her while we may -
And for the happiness we have now, know forever grateful stay."

But should the angels come for her much sooner than we'd planned, we'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

DAY 3

Today was HORRIBLE. I still haven't finished any of my homework (which is all do tomorrow night by the way) and I spent my entire morning crying. I usually don't go to church but today I went because they were having a special service for the people who died this past year. As soon as I got there, I turned into a giant ball of tears. I cried through the whole service. I barely made it up to light the candle for my daughter. Cory would have been there but he ended up having to work. A lot of people came up to me after the service, which only made it worse. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to go home. I couldn't even speak because I felt like I would just start wailing.

Someone told me today that the loss of a child never goes away.
I told them that I never want it to go away.

DAY 2

Ok, so I might have to do this week by week instead of day by day. There is just never enough time in the day to get everything done.

My job is keeping me away from my family. I feel like I come home and go right to sleep every night. I miss my little boy so much. I cuddle with him at night but I wish I could spend more time with him to play with him and give him more hugs and kisses. I wish I could quit my job.

At work the other day, Jerry (my co-worker) started to tell a dead baby joke but my other co-worker jumped in and yelled "Jerry! Shut up!" It kind of made my day. Jerry and Michelle are awesome. I think Jerry probably just had a manly brainless moment. He said he was sorry.

We have determined that the number one reason to not buy cologne (we sell cologne and perfume) is "I don't even shower." which was entirely too much information, but entertaining none the less. Next to that is "You're saying really big words that I don't understand."

I really love my job but I miss my family.

DAY 1

I dreamt about my little girl last night. In my dream she was walking and hugging me. She couldn't do that when she died, so maybe in my heart she is growing. In my dreams, she is still alive. We still haven't read the sympathy cards or sent "thank you" cards to people who sent us gifts and flowers. It hurts to wake up in the morning. At the time Lila died, I was already 3 months pregnant with our baby boy. He is the only reason I get out of bed some days.

I was thinking about her first birthday and how much my husband cried. We (The Northland SIDS Foundation) hosted a pizza party dinner fundraiser to donate money towards SIDS research and awareness. We raised several hundred dollars. My husband and I picked up flowers to put next to her curio cabinet. We also went to Security Jewelers and bought her a Swarovski Crystal Figurine (picture).

My husband and I went to church and lit a candle for her. Later that night, we bought a birthday cake and a "1" candle and let the flame go out by itself. 

Our baby girl still means the world to us.

We miss her.

Hello

Hello,
My name is Dana and this is my first blog. So...this is about my life after the death of my daughter. I'm hoping that other parents who have lost children will read this and know that they are not alone.

First off, I should start by talking about my story.

My boyfriend and I were given the most beautiful gift in the world on September 26. 2010. A little girl we named Lila Anne. She was precious and beautiful in every way imaginable. Some days we would come home early or skip out on things we were supposed to do just to cuddle with her and give her hugs and kisses. We wanted nothing more than for her to be safe and healthy. We did everything we could to make that happen. We protected her in every way we possibly could. We couldn't protect her from sudden infant death syndrome. She died February 17th 2011 while she was taking a nap at daycare.

Despite having to pick my boyfriend up from work, we beat the ambulance to the hospital. Stop lights, speed limits, and medians meant nothing to me. When we got there, I told the receptionist that our daughter was at the hospital, she had just come in an ambulance, and she was 5 months old. She didn't know what I was talking about because Lila hadn't arrived yet. Not even a minute later a nurse came up from the back room, where the ambulances come in, and hugged us. She brought us to a waiting room and told us that it didn't look good. About five minutes later a doctor came in and told us "we aren't going to be able to save your baby." Part of us died inside. How could this happen? We did everything right. We loved her more than anything. She can't be gone.

We held her hand while they stopped CPR.

Sharon, our daycare provider, was in hysterics. She told us how sorry she was and we hugged her and told her it wasn't her fault. She was (and still is) the only daycare lady I would ever trust with my child. She had placed Lila to sleep, on her back, in a crib with only a receiving blanket over her (it was winter...in Minnesota...my husband and I had usually put her to sleep in a heavy blanket). Lila always rolled in her sleep, so she had found her on her tummy. There was nothing she could have done.

We donated her heart valves so that her death would mean that another baby could live. We had her cremated and her ashes are now worn around both mine and my now husband's necks as well as on the very top shelf of her own curio cabinet. The cabinet is stuffed full of her favorite toys, blankets, books, and stuffed animals. We have yet to read the book "The Next Place" that was given to us at the hospital when she died.

I started The Northland SIDS Foundation in an effort to find what causes SIDS and raise awareness.

This is my story.