DAY 9

I'm sorry it's been awhile since I've written. I have been busy and depressed, which usually doesn't happen to me. Usually if I keep myself busy, I feel better, not worse. I'm so excited for Christmas. I already got my holiday shopping done (except for stocking stuffers). I know my family doesn't read this so I can say what I got them :) All year my husband has been whining that he wants a PS3 even though we already have like four XBOX360's....but anyway, I've been dying to tell someone what I got him and so I will tell you! I got him his precious PS3 on sale, black friday, for $200 in a bundle with 2 games. I'm pumped. I know that he is going to be so happy, even if he doesn't show it. He's not very good at showing emotions.

I worked on black friday from midnight to eight in the morning. It was awesome. I fell asleep standing up (at bath and body works). I was doing awesome on the floor and loving sales, and then I got put in the stock room, which I didn't love so much, but it was ok. Anyway, I loved working black friday and then when I went to go home (my dad was picking me up so I didn't have to drive) my dad was like "I'm not taking you home until I sit and drink coffee at barnes and nobles for an hour". Fun stuff....

So on top of everything I still have school and James is teething so he's crabby and tired and in pain all the time and I feel awful because there's nothing I can do to help him. I'm thinking of taking the semester off in the spring. I've just been so depressed and upset and moody and I just need to concentrate on my school work and I can't do that when I have to motivate myself to get out of bed in the morning. On top of that, school starts in february and that's the one year of our daughter's death. I know I'm not going to be in any shape to concentrate on school. My mom is convinced that I am God's gift to this earth and I can do everything at once but I really can't. She was upset when I told her that I wanted to at least cut back on my classes next semester because this is just getting too hard for me to do with work and school and baby and I just miss my daughter all the time and I feel like she doesn't understand. I know she doesn't know what it's like to lose a child, and I'm glad that she doesn't because no one should have to know what that feels like, but she needs to let me do what's best for me and what I feel is best for me at this time is taking a semester off. I love going to school and I love my classes and I know I'm going to go back and take more classes in the summer but for now, I just need a break.

I could not get through any of this without my husband. I love him so much and I honestly don't know if I could have gotten through any of this without him. I know that everyone thinks he's a dick, and sometimes he is, ...a lot of times he is, but he is also the most wonderful person I can always talk to. He's my best friend, my shoulder to lean on, and my most of all my support beam. He's always there for me and I just wanted to say that. He can still be a dick sometimes though... :)

Just so you all know, we are starting to plan our walk to end SIDS which will be held in the Miller Hill Mall in Duluth MN on April 14, 2012. It's our second walk and we are hoping for a really great turn out. Please visit our website for The Northland SIDS Foundation to find out more about our organization and what we are doing to help end SIDS!

DAY 8

Today started out good. It ended with me being really sick...on the up side, I got extra love from my husband. I got a new jacket today. I have been wanting a snowmobile jacket since I was in high school and my wish was finally granted! ...By my mom...but that's not the point. The point is, I got the jacket I wanted. I also felt like a teenager because after I got my new jacket that my mommy bought me, I drank milk out of the jug...while I was driving. I also learned that in the state of Minnesota, it is perfectly legal for me to drink alcoholic beverages at my parent or guardian's house as long as it's okay with my parent or guardian. I used this fact and twisted it into, "I can drink in my own home, because I know it's okay with my husband who is of legal drinking age". I'm not sure why this made me happy, because I don't drink anyway, but it was a handy fact to know I suppose.

On the sad note, today people were asking me if James (our son) was our first child. I hate answering that question. My best friend and I went to a dinner for OES to eat some delicious meatballs. Everyone was like "awww, baby!" which I have now learned to hate. I hate when people fawn over my baby. It really irritates me. First of all, it makes me think of how people used to fawn over Lila and how perfect she was. Second, it usually leads to a question about how I'm doing (with the death of my daughter), if he's our first, how old I am, and various other annoying questions that I really feel other people don't need to know about me. Third, it's just obnoxious. I feel violated when you smell my baby, just to let you know.

Lately, to help me feel better, I've been reading Texts From Last Night and FML. In case you were wondering, they are hilarious! Although they really don't make it hurt any less, they make me laugh, which is apparently very good for your health.

James update:
He can now jump so high in his bouncer that it lifts off the ground. Scary, but slightly entertaining. I guess that's why they say to only use with supervision.
He smiles AND giggles
He is now officially bigger at almost 3 months old than his sister was at 5 months old. I'm not sure whether to be proud of that or worried.

DAY 7

Today I feel better. I got a new job and my husband has the day off. We can finally spend some much needed time together. I'm still a little stressed out about my homework but I know that I will get it done. In the mean time, I am going to spend some quality time with my little boy and my husband.

I want to cherish the times when I feel okay, because I know the there will be many more times when I am not okay.

When I went in for my interview this morning, the gal that was hiring me asked about The Northland SIDS Foundation and if I had anyone I knew who had lost a baby from SIDS. I am usually okay with people asking me about SIDS and my daughter, but for some reason I started tearing up. She felt really bad about asking me and I felt really stupid because I was pretty much crying in my interview. She said that she knew some other people who had children who died from SIDS as well. I feel much better when other people understand that it's hard. It's always hard. It's forever hard. There is just nothing comparable to losing a child. Every day is different. Somedays I feel like my heart has just been ripped out of my chest, if I had only not brought her to daycare that day, if I had only picked her up early, if I had only...and some days I feel okay.

DAY 6

I quit my job. My manager was being dishonest with me as well as other employees and I just couldn't take it anymore. Actually two of us quit at the same time. It was kind of epic. I am thinking of just doing what I've always kind of wanted to do and just run my own photography studio. I'm going to school for art and the major I'm going for is something I would definitely have to move to have a career in and I'm just not sure that's the route I want to go or not. I do enjoy photography and I think I have a knack for it. My portfolio is online (click "my portfolio" to take a look). I also make pretty awesome photo holiday cards, wedding invitations, birth announcements and so on. I'm cheap! lol.

I had a dream about my daughter last night. I miss her so much. I keep having dreams that she's with us and we are all a happy family, Her, James, Kevin, Me and Cory. I wake up and I just don't even want to open my eyes. I know my husband, Cory, has been worried about me lately. He holds me tighter at night and wakes me up with kisses and reminds me to eat before he leaves for work. I feel bad that I feel depressed all the time. I don't want to put more stress on him. I know he's hurting too.

DAY 5

Lately I feel horrible. I feel like I fail at everything I do. The worst part is that I feel like I haven't even hit rock bottom.

DAY 4

Today I felt like a complete airhead. I forgot what my manager told me to do. I was out in the field when I was supposed to be in the office pulling resumes to hire someone for our open position. Go me. I had to leave early as it was because we didn't have anyone to watch James and I got half of what I should have gotten done. It was a very unproductive day.

It makes it better when I get to come home to my little guy though. I miss him all the time. My husband told me that he wants to be a stay at home dad because he just wants to be with James all the time. I wish I could be a stay at home mom. I'm glad we argue over who wants to spend time with and not over who has to spend time with him. I don't know what I would do without my husband. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with everything. I know I take on too much, but I feel like I have to because otherwise I will just wallow in my own sadness over the loss of our daughter.

My list of things I do on a daily basis is this:
Full time job
Full time school
Full time mom
Founder and Event coordinator for The Northland SIDS Foundation

That's just my day to day stuff...not even including my various chaperoning, volunteering and hobbies I participate in.

Short list, lots of duties.

Anyway, back to the overwhelming feelings.
My husband has been with me through many of my hard times as well as many of my happy times. We've been through EVERYTHING together and at the end of the day we can still talk, have a conversation, make each other laugh, kiss, snuggle, and most importantly, be there. I just want to take this opportunity to say that not a lot of people have what we have and I am so glad that we found each other, as corny as that may sound. He is my support beam and I love him.

Okay, so I still haven't gotten to telling you about my overwhelming feelings...I'm so long winded and I apologize. I was telling my husband that I felt very overwhelmed and that I feel like I'm sucking at everything I do. Which I still feel like I am. He told me "You do not suck at everything and it's hard to do everything at once. I know that you are trying your best and I'm sure others know that too."

It made me feel so much better about myself.

Whenever I feel horrible I can always count on him to cheer me up. I think that it's important for everyone to have someone like that. :)

I think I will end my post tonight with my favorite poem. I think of this poem everyday in memory of my daughter. It also helps me feel better when I'm upset. <3
(If you don't have tissue on hand, don't read it)

A Child of Mine

I'll lend you for a little while a child of mine

God sent for you to love the while she lives and mourn for when she's gone

it may be six or seven years or forty-two or three but will you, till I call her back take care of her for me?

She'll bring her charms to gladden you and - should her stay be brief, you'll have her lovely memories as a solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay for all from earth return

but there are lessons taught below I want this child to learn.

I've looked the whole world over in my search for teachers true and from all beings that crowd life's land I have chosen you.

Now, will you give her all your love nor think the labor vain nor hate me when I come to take this lent child back again?

I fancied that I heard you say "Dear Lord, Thy will be done. For all the joys Thy child will bring the risk of grief we'll run.

We will shelter her with tenderness we'll love her while we may -
And for the happiness we have now, know forever grateful stay."

But should the angels come for her much sooner than we'd planned, we'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

DAY 3

Today was HORRIBLE. I still haven't finished any of my homework (which is all do tomorrow night by the way) and I spent my entire morning crying. I usually don't go to church but today I went because they were having a special service for the people who died this past year. As soon as I got there, I turned into a giant ball of tears. I cried through the whole service. I barely made it up to light the candle for my daughter. Cory would have been there but he ended up having to work. A lot of people came up to me after the service, which only made it worse. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to go home. I couldn't even speak because I felt like I would just start wailing.

Someone told me today that the loss of a child never goes away.
I told them that I never want it to go away.

DAY 2

Ok, so I might have to do this week by week instead of day by day. There is just never enough time in the day to get everything done.

My job is keeping me away from my family. I feel like I come home and go right to sleep every night. I miss my little boy so much. I cuddle with him at night but I wish I could spend more time with him to play with him and give him more hugs and kisses. I wish I could quit my job.

At work the other day, Jerry (my co-worker) started to tell a dead baby joke but my other co-worker jumped in and yelled "Jerry! Shut up!" It kind of made my day. Jerry and Michelle are awesome. I think Jerry probably just had a manly brainless moment. He said he was sorry.

We have determined that the number one reason to not buy cologne (we sell cologne and perfume) is "I don't even shower." which was entirely too much information, but entertaining none the less. Next to that is "You're saying really big words that I don't understand."

I really love my job but I miss my family.