DAY 4

Today I felt like a complete airhead. I forgot what my manager told me to do. I was out in the field when I was supposed to be in the office pulling resumes to hire someone for our open position. Go me. I had to leave early as it was because we didn't have anyone to watch James and I got half of what I should have gotten done. It was a very unproductive day.

It makes it better when I get to come home to my little guy though. I miss him all the time. My husband told me that he wants to be a stay at home dad because he just wants to be with James all the time. I wish I could be a stay at home mom. I'm glad we argue over who wants to spend time with and not over who has to spend time with him. I don't know what I would do without my husband. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with everything. I know I take on too much, but I feel like I have to because otherwise I will just wallow in my own sadness over the loss of our daughter.

My list of things I do on a daily basis is this:
Full time job
Full time school
Full time mom
Founder and Event coordinator for The Northland SIDS Foundation

That's just my day to day stuff...not even including my various chaperoning, volunteering and hobbies I participate in.

Short list, lots of duties.

Anyway, back to the overwhelming feelings.
My husband has been with me through many of my hard times as well as many of my happy times. We've been through EVERYTHING together and at the end of the day we can still talk, have a conversation, make each other laugh, kiss, snuggle, and most importantly, be there. I just want to take this opportunity to say that not a lot of people have what we have and I am so glad that we found each other, as corny as that may sound. He is my support beam and I love him.

Okay, so I still haven't gotten to telling you about my overwhelming feelings...I'm so long winded and I apologize. I was telling my husband that I felt very overwhelmed and that I feel like I'm sucking at everything I do. Which I still feel like I am. He told me "You do not suck at everything and it's hard to do everything at once. I know that you are trying your best and I'm sure others know that too."

It made me feel so much better about myself.

Whenever I feel horrible I can always count on him to cheer me up. I think that it's important for everyone to have someone like that. :)

I think I will end my post tonight with my favorite poem. I think of this poem everyday in memory of my daughter. It also helps me feel better when I'm upset. <3
(If you don't have tissue on hand, don't read it)

A Child of Mine

I'll lend you for a little while a child of mine

God sent for you to love the while she lives and mourn for when she's gone

it may be six or seven years or forty-two or three but will you, till I call her back take care of her for me?

She'll bring her charms to gladden you and - should her stay be brief, you'll have her lovely memories as a solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay for all from earth return

but there are lessons taught below I want this child to learn.

I've looked the whole world over in my search for teachers true and from all beings that crowd life's land I have chosen you.

Now, will you give her all your love nor think the labor vain nor hate me when I come to take this lent child back again?

I fancied that I heard you say "Dear Lord, Thy will be done. For all the joys Thy child will bring the risk of grief we'll run.

We will shelter her with tenderness we'll love her while we may -
And for the happiness we have now, know forever grateful stay."

But should the angels come for her much sooner than we'd planned, we'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.